Borderline Apologies

I have to apologize, today, here
You see, something's wrong with me
chemically.
I don't know what exactly, because I can't name
the chemicals or the receptors that aren't there or aren't
functioning properly.

You see, you get frustrated with something and
that's the end of it
But my frustration will roll like a tidal wave
over and over, and become a force that even
I can't control

These words tumble out of my mouth
like a lot of little accidents all piling up in
the middle of a street, stacking one on top of the other
until one misspoke word becomes an entire night
of my apologies and my mistakes

and I don't like to complicate things
I don't like to complain or hold my art
in chains of misery or sadness
my art is beautiful and this poetry is
a celebration
like fireworks yearning to touch the moon

but today
today my art becomes this
memory from the past about
being angsty and pathetic and
being that stupid little girl
in middle school
who couldn't cope with life
or hold herself accountable.

this is me holding myself
accountable
to all the little mistakes I have made today
all the apologies I owe
because of this monster inside my brain
that stomps and fumes and hurts
hurts..

this defect inside my brain that makes me
borderline
borderline between sane and insane
between stable and an earthquake
hammering at my foundations and making me
step over that line into
the wrong side.
borderline between
my apologies and my mistakes

I have this monster that lives in my brain, you see
it makes everything all wrong when there's
nothing wrong...
or if there is, it makes it into
an apocalypse.
I have this monster that tells me to panic
to be angry, to blame to...

it's all wrong.  it's all wrong and
I'm sorry.
today is a borderline day where there's only time
for my mistakes
and these apologies.

Ly Hansen